Surrender 

I want the kind of love that shakes my core, elevates me, destroys me, kills me.

I was put on this earth to love and to be loved.

To feel pain, to feel it all. Cause I’m not really living unless I’m in love or creating.

Lovers have made me feel unique, desired, alive.

Lovers have crushed my spirit.

Lovers have restored my faith in humanity countless times.

Lovers have fueled my immense list of  bad habits.

Lovers have given me art.

Today, as I walked home from the movie theater, it hit me, how terrified I am, because I love someone so intensely and unconditionally. Because I don’t know how to do anything half way; I’m all or nothing. I’m terrified because he will destroy me and I will gladly let him.

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Nights, just summer nights please and thank you!

Picture of me cheesin’ like the dork that I am. Cameron looking confused, I know it isn’t the most flattering photo of us, but I really think it sums up last night beautifully.

I missed the pillow talk, I missed it more than the sex.

It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who thinks about suicide, it was a heavy conversation, but I’m glad we share similar views on such a morbid subject.

You’re a babe, babe. Hope you stay a little while.

How does a person fall so unconditionally in love as quickly as I did? Fuck dude.

JEAN & CAM 1

Ode to porcelain

jean

 

Celery has negative calories.

Did you know?

Drink two glasses of water before each meal.

Did you know?

I like to feel dizzy when I stand.

My toilet is my best friend. My toilet, he watches over me.

Hunched over, I  worship him.

He don’t judge me when my eyeliner smears.

Celery has negative calories.

Did you know?

I like the burning in the back of my throat.

It sticks around for days.

Celery has negative calories.

Did you know?

Just ten more pounds.

Just five more pounds.

Celery, it has negative calories. It doesn’t matter, everything must go.

It does matter, extra matter, you don’t belong inside of me.

Just five more pounds to go.

Wrote this a couple of months ago, lately I’ve been struggling with my little obsessions, especially my food. Counting complex and simple carbs, weighing my food out, logging EVERYTHING I eat. I started purging again. I wish I could be the type of person that only deals with one mental health issue at a time, but fuck man. I’m exhausted. Considering picking up drugs and alcohol again so I can care less about what I eat and how much I exercise. Life is good otherwise, can’t complain. I’m in love, someone loves me, but I just can’t let myself be happy.

I am always chasing something better, something different, something new, something dangerous.

 

I’m so fucking happy lately I wanna puke

 

IMG_2155
I’m as happy as I was when I took this photo in Havana, Cuba.

Nah dudes, but really. One of two things are happening to me:

  1. My depressive episode came to an end after months of sleeping too much and crying for hours because humanity is a cruel and exhausting. Oh and that also means that a manic episode is around the corner.
  2. I’m really happy cause it’s warm out, but mainly because someone I love came back into my life and decided he loves me too.

I honestly think it’s a little bit of both, but I won’t really know for a while. Anyway,  I like manic episodes way better, they usually mean I stay up for days writing masterpieces and running a shit ton of miles and shoplifting all the make up, organic food items,  and expensive wine bottles. I know this is serious business, but I’ve been dealing with manic depression for so long, I need to make fun of it to get through the day.

There is a human in my life making me stupid happy. Like woah dude thanks for sticking round even though I’m a crazy bitch. Chemically speaking, does some kind of phenomena occur to the human brain after having four orgasms in a row? Yeah that’s probably too much info but idgaf cause most people reading this don’t know me and who gives a fuck PEOPLE HAVE SEX WOW EXCUSE ME.

PS: I broke my four+ month sobriety period Saturday night, I had about 3/4 of a bottle of some quality Malbec. No regrets my dudes. I needed that. Won’t drink again for a while, but fuck, I love the taste of wine. Oh and guess what? I can handle my alcohol better than some people twice my size. Still. 🙂

Summer 

Little girl hiding under the covers

Don’t you know that life is good as of this morning?

Don’t fuck it up little girl hiding under the covers

Wine stained lips

Cheap beer fires and chocolate confessions under the desert horizons

Your eyelids flutter when you sleep

Your eyelids soft, they flutter when you dream

“As life gets longer, awful feels softer. Well it feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes shit to make bliss, then I feel pretty blissfully.”

2 many feelings

01/03/2017

Another broken mirror…. It’s not the seven years of bad luck that got me worried, no, I’m more worried about the mess and the many weeks I’ll spend stepping on broken glass with my bare feet. Cause let’s be honest, no one will clean up, we’re all just laying in bed too comfortable to move.

It’s 9am and I’m sitting on my favorite chair picking out pieces of broken glass from the soles of my feet. It don’t hurt much. I’m more worried about the bloody footprints scattered throughout the floors of my messy apartment.

It’s the middle of the night, you’re fast asleep, on your side. I’m crying because we’re killing ourselves slowly and we don’t care. I’m crying cause the dope ran out and my bank account is in the negatives. I’m crying cause I can’t remember the last time we laughed or the last time you picked up your guitar.

Three days ago, I sat at home alone and awoke with blue lips and cold limbs. Today sure feels like a dream, but I’m not sleeping and somehow my heart is still beating, a little slow, but I’m still breathin’.

***One of my favorite humans in the world left today, to get better. I am so incredibly proud of him. I’ll get my best friend back. I’ll be here, in Burque town. Got another reason to stay sober, so that coming home will be easier for you than it was for me. Love you kiddo, we’re gonna be alright.***

roots

I spoke with my father recently, he said to me, over the phone:

“I’m sorry I passed down the burden of infinite sadness. It never leaves me. It’ll never leave you. But don’t hate it, it’s part of who you are. Someone will come along who will make it easier to to sit with, one day, I promise. Your mother did that for me, but I couldn’t help her feel lighter. So it goes… All you can do, is wait. Let the sadness stir up your insides. Learn to let it consume you in the best possible way.”